Monday, July 04, 2005

Thin, thinner, thinnest.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the thinnest of them all?
It's not just beauty anymore,
My arms are smaller than yours.
Less is gain and more is pain,
Help i'm speeding down a one-way lane.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I tell you I'm fine,
I'm not hungry yet, these thighs are not mine.
Saying, really I'm still full.
And skeletons are extremely beautiful.

Recently, I've been thinking about dieting. Not actually considering dieting, but just thinking about it... if it wasn't apparent from the tidbit above. My younger sister - despite all my efforts to dissuade her - has begun to diet after a friend called her 'chubby' (ugh, I'd like to see that so-called friend and... do... something really, really bad to her). According to my sister, semua of her classmates are cutting down on food... and I don't know whether to believe that or not. Aiyo. Since when is it normal for fourteen year olds to diet? Even more, since when is it normal for friends to call each other fat? (Grr.)

My working parents are hardly ever home. My brother, frankly, cares nothing about the matter, as long as whatever she does doesn't interfere with his football games and his going to the padang. This leaves me to take care of my sister... and it's always been that way. Recently, though, it's been getting alot more difficult for me to talk to her, what with me going to school in the morning and her going in the afternoon. Agh, I'm only sixteen, I shouldn't have to deal with all this crap.

Pressure's on me to somehow make her eat her Nasi Lemak during weekend mornings, and rice or noodles or whatever at night. How? I don't know. I mean, I've always been close to her and all, but I can't force her to do something she doesn't want... especially when it concerns food and the such. Unless I forcefeed her or something, I can't do a thing. That bothers me.

I understand why people diet. Hey, everybody wants to be thin, right? But what really troubles me is that I don't see how she's fat. She's thin and tall, if anything. I mean, to me, she doesn't look fat at all... She's, what, 110lbs at 5'5"? Which is normal for her age, I think. I also can't see why she would cut down on food just because of that one comment by her friend. She's THIN. Idiot.

Me, I can not diet. Never. I'd miss eating my Nasi Lemak, Chicken Rice, Prawn Mee, Roti Canai, everything. Malaysian food is just too good to give up. I learnt that the hard way. For three years, I had no access to true Malaysian food, and was limited to eating bacon and pizza and pasta and all that junk. (I'd pick spicy, delicious Malaysian food over that tasteless crap anyday. Mmm.)

As a kid, I used to hate eating. Really, really hated eating and anything to do with food. I don't know, I just didn't have the appetite. Even smelling food made me nauseous. So I was this really, really skinny kid, all sickly looking and ribcage protruding and such. My mother used to try and fatten me up with some Chicken Essence Soup thing, and milk that makes people put on weight. And then I began eating normally, though my memory is all hazy and I don't remember exactly what motivated me to eat. A few years later, we moved out of Malaysia and to the Northeastern part of US for three years. Then I realized what I was missing. Three years without Nasi Lemak was hell. Malaysian food is so fucking delicious and should not be taken for granted. And now... take away my food and I swear, I'll hit you.

So, really, I'm not able to diet. Not that I want to. But... I hope that my sister soon realizes what she's missing, and stop the dieting crap. She can do that when she's older, preferably when I'm at college or after I have moved out. Not now. Dieting is not for fourteen year olds.

And I'm still full,
because skeletons are beautiful.

6 Comments:

Blogger Chienne said...

it's very sad reading your poem. i just recovered from an eating disorder a year ago, after almost four years of near starvation. still suffering relapse once in awhile, but at least i'm looking healthier now.

it's a terrible thing, mind you, not eating for days at a time and only nibbling on a bowl of rice washed down with a lot of water when i got so dizzy i had to sustain myself. that and the constant drug use basically turned me into a walking skeleton.

and still i thought i was chubby and too curvy (i'm neither, actually).

all because my mother told me i was getting fat.

the emotions of a young girl are easy to bruise. hope your sister learns how to accept herself and view her friend's remarks for what they are - insensitive comments.

Tue Jul 05, 09:44:00 PM  
Blogger Delevia said...

Four years? Ahh, I hope you're doing better and eating better now. It's good to hear that you're looking healthier. Yeah, I'm afraid for my sister, and I really hope she doesn't take her friend's words to heart. Thanks for the concern, and I hope all goes well for you.

Tue Jul 05, 11:50:00 PM  
Blogger Welesecily said...

Hey, just out of curiosity, are you that close to your sister? I mean do you really think you're really close to her that you can just change her mind and influence her with just by your mere loving sistery words? Which leads me to another question, are you really caring about your sister's health or are you just feeling is it just your obligation as a sister that you feel you must do something about it. Even if your felt compelled for doing it out of duty as a sister, don't you think you should also you know, more action less word. I mean, your sister must have seen her friends DOING something to their bodies and apparently, winning the title as the hottest chicks in class of all 14 year old in Malaysia. Whereas, she sees you only as a person who likes to eat. Are you her source of inspiration to go on the dieting?

Hehe, I'm kidding. No offence, i barely know you. I'm just abusing my right to freedom of speech and comment. Just my 5 sen, you know, try doing something instead of expecting that your sister to read this blog so she know you "care". How bout research a little on the internet about anorexia, or how bout supporting her idea by suggesting her to eat nutritious 100% artificial vitamins and other helpful dieting health tips, or tips on how to make your sister fat and her self esteem skinny. I dont know, improvise.

Sat Jul 09, 01:17:00 AM  
Blogger Welesecily said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sat Jul 09, 01:17:00 AM  
Blogger Delevia said...

Um. I'm not that close to her, but I'd say I'm closer to her than my brother is. But, I don't know, I haven't said much to her besides the obvious you're not fat. You're thin. I'm not sure exactly what to do, though. Yeah, I should do some research, or something. It's not anorexia, just... dieting, I suppose, but I hope it doesn't turn into an ED. Bleh.

Sun Jul 10, 12:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Sarclover said...

hmm... in this age, thin is the way to go.

it is like what i said in my blog... definition of beauty is subjective, and whether you are willing to go under that knife for that killer Angelina Jolie bod and thick lips... well... its for you to decide...

i remembered when i was 17, i was caught up in the 'eat all carbos in the house' fad. i got myself injured in a skateboarding accident, my dad broke my board to two, and the next thing you know, as a sign of silent retaliation, i wiped out that whole two bowls of rice in the weekly chinese meal we always had.

tell you, it was not easy coming to terms with it undie, not at all. i found this out when i had to undergo Uni admission check up.

fuck that.. you know how i look like now... i am glad that i am not fat, and never a skinny bone...

(though my ribcage does protrude in a very weird way...)

and on Malaysian food... agreed... there was a time when i put chili padi on my genuine pasta carbonara which an Italian friend made for me...

Malaysians will be Malaysians.. but please.. no durians for me...

Tue Jul 19, 03:51:00 PM  

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